Can You Be Wounded and Not Know It?

Probing for Hidden Obstacles

Well I have to admit that it feels really good to have my 2010 list of goals blogged about and out there and out of the way. I have a copy of them in my room, as well, written in black sharpie on a large piece of sketch pad paper and taped up to the wall with white duck tape. It's rather funny, because when I first mentioned this blog on my writing blog, it was as a writing goal for the month of March:

"12 blog posts on my "Fixing my Life" blog (going swimmingly by the way, thanks for asking)"

If we wanted to be super duper analytical about it, I've only crossed off 3 of 126 bullet points from the list and we're already almost a quarter of the way into the year. Even with the 3-4 I might knock out next week, and two year long goals I can measure by income and say I'm ahead of schedule, that's still WAY on the low percentage scale.

But that's the funny thing. I'm firmly convinced you need solid, distinct, concrete goals that are actionable to work step by step on the huge things that aren't so tangible. I can say "I want to be less shy," but that's so general and overwhelming that there's no way to attack that (as opposed to a goal of something like 'talk to 20 pretty young ladies this month at Barnes and Noble - which is something concrete that still makes you take a small step to the bigger goal). BUT that also means that with a concrete list the numbers checked off often don't come remotely close to accurately gauging "how it's going."

The comment I made on "fixing my life is going swimmingly" was a bit of a snarky joke, but it was all meant in fun and honestly, that's the way I feel. Maybe the steady commitment alone has been enough to begin to turn around some major things, but part of the process that's not going to be revealed by those goals on the wall is working out of the inside rubble.

So before diving into the thoughts I've really been wrestling with this week, let me set up some framework that might bring some background and organization to this post before I ramble away. The ground rules, so to speak.

1. I'm very reflective and introspective by nature. I also know I can be a really complex person, so when I start digging through the emotional dirt, sometimes discoveries come in layers.
2. I tend to have a pretty strong understanding of what influences me both big and small, so what is simply subconscious to some people is something I explore instead of letting it be.
3. I'm aggressive. Once I figure out there's something to work on, I keep digging no matter how ugly it gets or how much most of me really doesn't want to do it.
4. My life is complex and can often appear like a paradox. Those of you who know me well understand this easily, and are probably even laughing at me right now, thinking of classic examples you've witnessed.
5. I'm not a surface person. Hypothetically, assuming most people never go more than 30% deep into who they are, what they believe, and why - it's a pretty safe bet I go 60, 70% or more - or at least understand those extra layers are there and try to deal with them.

Those 5 pretty much lay it out. After that, as my friend Gabe once said: "I'd describe you as the most ridiculously well adjusted train wreck I've ever seen." I thought that was a pretty exceptional and apt description. A lot of people think I'm remarkably well adjusted, and as far as being functional and being able to cope with trauma, yes, I've gone through the gauntlet plenty of times and here I am being rebuilt and becoming stronger than ever. On the other hand, is it because my life is in order and I actually am well adjusted and not at all affected by past traumas? Not even close.

Absolutely no question faith plays a huge role in the coping and strengthening process, but I don't know what you call the rest. Functioning in spite of trauma and dysfunction? So used to both that they just become a permanent part of the background in my life? Is being unbending and obsessive with dealing with my problems, past, and personality the same attitude that simply makes me strong enough to deal with everything because I pull it out into the open?

I have no answers for that because I don't know. But I liked Gabe's quote. In many ways I am an absolute train wreck beyond what even my closest friends can imagine, and it would take all my fingers and toes to count the number of times a good friend has told me they couldn't imagine going through what I had been through and coming out anything but scarred, destroyed, or something else. And none of them get more than bits and pieces. But on a day to day and week to week and in a life in general way, I function very well and outright excel in many areas of my life. And at the worst, I always keep going. It ain't easy, but I don't recall anyone telling me that life was. So I'm a ridiculously adjusted train wreck. I like that.

So a question that I've been wrestling with while trying to deal with all the past junk (we all have it to some extent, my closet just might be deeper than a lot of others) was wondering if I could be wounded and not know it. I mean emotionally or mentally. Obviously I would recognize a knife sticking out of my leg, so that's a non-issue...unless it happens then at the time that probably would be a pretty big one.

But I wonder. Many, if not most, of us have major parts of our personality that are probably very strongly dictated by past events or reactions to past events that maybe we don't even think about any more. Maybe it was conditioning from a childhood embarrassment long since forgotten, but that conditioning remained and affected so many other things along the way. Think the domino effect. Just push one, and the others keep on falling.

There are definitely memories that were hard that have a strong emotional impact on me, but I wonder if some of these problems and obstacles I'm finding in myself have a deeper root that just isn't that easy to identify. I can vividly recall being absolutely verbally and emotionally destroyed by one of the very few women I ever loved. It doesn't surprise me to know how that affected me, and I don't have to be a rocket scientist to know that those memories have a very direct influence on me being defensive and careful on letting certain people in, and in my overall view of dating. But what is it that's made me shy since I was a young kid? Why do certain memories from say the college years stick with me as minorly embarrassing or odd, (or even a moment without an emotion attached) but it has no obvious connection to my life as being something that should be important or still having an effect on me?

Are those wounds that I don't even realize I have, or is that just something else entirely? Why do certain memories seem embarrassing now when they didn't in the past? I wonder if that's a red flag to what I'm saying...or if maybe I'm way over-analyzing the whole darned thing.

I suspect that no matter how self-aware we are, there's always more buried from our conscious understanding of who we are. To go way back to the first point: the list has barely been scratched, but the irony is taking solid small concrete steps is leading to a lot of this personal reflection, working out past memories or troubling emotional responses, getting my personality back more to where I want it, and maybe seeing work going on in me that I didn't expect to happen - or didn't understand that I needed.

Case in point: previously afforementioned heart breaker who definitely turned me off from dating for quite some time - after spending way too much time brooding and being bummed and overly sentimental in my reflecting (something I think most of us can relate to), thinking about her or what happened hasn't been an active emotion thing for me in a couple years, and fuller healing even came after that. In other words, it doesn't hurt to think about her, there isn't the regret, the anger, the "what ifs." In fact, I hit the full acceptance and the emotional release that comes with that well over a year ago. So I figured all my healing from that was done and there was nothing else to heal.

So one more quick story from a couple weeks ago and then I'll wrap this novel up: I walked to Barnes and Noble because working 12-20 hours a day at a computer 7 days a week is much harder in the spring than the fall. At the book store I looked around at the new authors, enjoyed just walking through the place, and just like a cabin fever released writer who was enjoying the day out way too much to pay attention, I bumped into someone coming around the corner and knocked the books out of her hand.

She was a George R.R. Martin fan and so it was very easy to start chatting because we already had that one huge thing in common. At first I was nervous, then comfortable, then simply enjoying a conversation with someone who could really hold their own. At the end, and for most people this is no big deal but for me its a pretty bold move, without even thinking about it (and that is the part that encourages me about this the most), I asked her if she wanted some coffee. She had to go, and the look of regret seemed pretty genuine, so a little nervous I asked for a phone number.

A got a gentle hand on my shoulder, a smile, a thanks for the great conversation, a brief explanation about not being ready for anything even close to a date, and one more thanks for the list of books I added to her reading list.

So in the end I walked out with one new book, and the lingering touch of a hand on my shoulder, and was happy to know not only did some real healing take place, but what I left with really was more than enough to make that a beautiful day.

Rubber Legs & Solid Progress

Quick Update

This is going to be a fast update once again because it's been a little bit crazy recently, and I'm actually pretty tired even though it's only 1:47 a.m. For those of you who know me, you know how tied that means I am right now.

Well the goals from the previous post are a bit delayed, and I'm giving myself an extra week for most of them for what seems like a really good reason to me: shortly after the last blog post, only a week after recovering from severe dental surgery that saw the removal of multiple wisdom teeth and impacted molars, everybody in our apartment caught a severe strain of stomach flu. So a lot of strained muscles in the back and side later, some (lots) of kidney pain later, and after all the unpleasant details that I'll skip the long and short of it can be summed up in this: I lost 9 lbs in one day.

Not very nice, and since solids were off the menu, again, it's taken me until today to recover, and I'm still running on only about 60% normal energy. Worked out in the gym today for the first time in 3 weeks, and felt the rust. Rubber legs and a lot of soreness, but I did manage 15 miles doing hills on the exercise bike and I did it in 40 minutes, which felt like breaking through to some crazy new level so I was really happy with being able to push myself like that considering how sore, stiff, and rubbery-legged I felt even before getting started.

Also had one of my best buddies from Alaska call me, and he was kind enough to let me vent some minor frustrations that have been building up, and that's just healthy. Talked to his wife, who is also a very good friend of mine and I forgot how much her voice always sounds cheerful and uplifting. Wish there was a lot more of that in the world.

Recently on my writing blog I wrote a post I wanted to link to because in a lot of ways it reflects my shifting back in thought, my refusal to let the slide go on any longer, and a willingness to work and take risks again. This post was on my ridiculously ambitious writing goals for the next month. I even failed to mention that the supporting articles I would need to write would number around 300 for the month on top of everything mentioned.

On the plus side: so far so good. I know it's only three days into the month, but so far I'm even doing slightly better than my writing goals. And in addition to that, a strange thing has happened that has already made my month. Usually when I am buried in freelance work, my creative work suffers or disappears or becomes a chore. The part of my brain that functions highly for freelancing has always been the complete opposite of the one that is firing when I'm getting ideas left and right for my fiction, poetry, and screen writing.

Except this time, for the first time, my creative writing mind is firing on all cylinders again at the same time I'm absolutely killing the freelance writing. In the last couple days I thought of a new idea for a great story, wrote the outline, wrote some killer lines, and am already two full pages (single spaced) into it. Even while writing this post I stopped and put down a couple paragraphs of a pretty sweet soliloquy for another future story. Oh yeah, I already wrote something like 20 articles today and did some editing work, too.

Started reading a Clive Cussler novel. I'm a big fan of Cussler, and I find it easy to get into his stories because I've always been a huge history buff and a huge David Morrell fan, and Clive seems to hit the 50/50 balance that fuses the two.

Along with everything else going on, I have a split in my heel. I think from my skin getting way way too dry, and it's painful, so hopefully over time that heals and I can earn the money this month to get the rest of my teeth fixed. Those are the most important medical issues now. Already having the wisdom teeth out and recovering has made a huge difference.

So the more detailed posts are still going to be later this week, and I think I have some dandies lined up, but for now, I think it's bed time :)

Do Not Be Afraid

Apparently This Is a Centuries Old Problem

This is one of those posts where I'm going to give two fair warnings, although I don't really think neither is probably necessary. A big chunk of this post is somewhat spiritual in nature, so if that's not your cup of tea you might want to skip to another one. Otherwise, here goes. I found out something really interesting today (well technically yesterday since it's 2:34 a.m. - taking a break from work and listening to "Masters of Chant"). The most common command in the Bible has absolutely nothing to do with rules, laws, money, sexual orientation, or even moral teaching as most religions would frame it. The single most common command in Christian scriptures (and it's not even close) is this:

Do not be afraid.

I find that one fact incredibly fascinating, especially since it's been 10 years since my conversion and I'm 99% sure that not once have I heard this fact or heard this in a sermon. I'm allowing the 1% because 10 years is a bloody long time, especially the way I manage to pack things in there. Plus a couple serious head injuries, and you're never quite completely sure again, but I digress...

The immediate reaction of some people I tried to discuss this with was to instantly tie it to faith, and I've often heard the maxim "faith is the opposite of fear," and maybe in a few of the Scriptures this is the context, but I know in many of them that's not the context. Many times these words appear in Biblical stories where God shows up and the person/shepherd/prophet soils themselves from being scared crapless. Then comes the command to not be afraid, and this command is often the very first thing said, even before identification.

This is really interesting to me. How often this command is stated depends on your interpretation. If you're going by exact phrase, about 46 times, but the similar "do not fear" pops up at least another 67 times. Both these numbers are estimates due to differing translations, but if you include other times where not being afraid or being told not to fear is mentioned, the number pops up to around 360 total, and that's based on the Protestant Bible. The Catholic Bible may have more, but I'm not versed enough to know for sure.

Do not fear.

It's a clear cut order, and one that often stands alone in context so it means that and only that. Don't be afraid, don't fear. It really bothers me how often that is brushed over and extrapolated from, because the deep meaning of that, the reflection on the human condition since the beginning of time, is profound and amazing and no one seems to talk about it.

Apparently I'm not the only one who has struggled with falling back to habits of fear and anxiety, it's a century old problem for mankind in general. I wonder how many people desperately needing something when the wander in on a Sunday morning would begin to find their answer in those simple 3 or 4 words.

Regardless of what you do or don't believe, I think the fact that those words are commanded by far and away more than any other in the Bible opens up an intensely interesting discussion on fear, on anxiety, on what that reflection on the human condition and human nature means.

So I've spent a lot of time mulling over that today. In a way it's a far cry from one of my favorite philosophers, Seneca (of the Romans), but in another way the two can definitely be related. There's no way I can properly explain succinctly how cool I find Seneca's philosophy. It's a form of Stoicism, and although I could see a thousand angry comments from this, since I don't have 20 pages to explain it, I'll use the analogy that Vulcans from "Star Trek" would actually very much be a Stoic-esque society.

But many of the quotes of Seneca that speak to me are about understanding that the fear of misfortune undoubtedly will always be worse than the misfortune itself. Basically, a person willing to use logic, look forward, and continue the pursuit of self improvement would never suffer as badly from misfortune as their fear would suggest.

I really dig this, and agree with it. This is one of those things where understanding it in your mind and translating that to your instincts and habits can be two different things, but really, this truth is part of the reason that fear and doubt can be so insidious.

I've been homeless more than once. Now I was fortunate from the standpoint that there were safety nets in place for me of a sort all but one time, and that one time I still had a p.o.s. laptop so I knew I could eventually work my way back as long as no one stole it. But the point is, how many people worrying about money now are in actual danger of being homeless? As in $0, nowhere to sleep, no way to get to people who would help you out, no direction, owning what you have on you and that's it?

Bouncing back is never easy, but it is possible, and you know what? It really isn't that hard to scrape together $5 to eat at Taco Bell if you have to. When you have to find a warm place to sleep, you'll be amazed at what you find when your mind is completely focused on that one task. There's so much fear, but once I was there at the worst of my fears, I still ate, I still found places to sleep, and with a little work and a little luck (and the two of those almost always go hand in hand) things picked back up.

And reflecting on it, things were NEVER as bad as I feared they would be, even when they were at their worst. Funny thing: the prospect of being homeless doesn't scare me one bit. I've been there, done that, and gotten through. If somehow it happens again (and I don't think it ever will now, but once again, life is strange so who knows), what of it? The reality for me wasn't as bad as the fear.

Now part of the trick to fixing my life is reinforcing that in other areas of my life. Don't be afraid. Be not afraid. Well, it's easier said than done, but it's something I need to challenge head on. That's it for this post, although I'll end with a few of my favorite quotes attributed to Seneca, and one from Michael Jordan. It should be pretty obvious who said what.

"Sometimes even to live is a great act of courage."
"He who is brave is free."
"The bravest sight in the world is to see a great man struggling against adversity."
"Courage leads to heaven, fear to death."
"True happiness is...to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence on the future."

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." MJ