Quietly Turning the Corner

Mountains Move Quietly

Well that's one sub-title that's not going to rank well in the Search Engines, LOL, but it just came to me as a way to explain how major life changes, and major shifts in decision making that sound combative and huge, could happen so quietly, day-by-day, with very little fanfare. I probably will never say this again, but thank you Geology. Mountains move, and continue to move and grow very slowly over long periods of time - but that doesn't change the fact that mountains far larger than any personal demons or struggles any of us have do move - and they do it without noise. Yet a mountain moving even 12 inches would definitely qualify as a lot of movement considering the sheer size and scope.

So in a lot of ways, that analogy seems to be a good one for a lot of what's going on in life right now. The slowness of a mountain moving seems to be, as well. In many ways, I'm all but financially set at this point in that I'm making enough per month, and will continue to do so, to pay off all my bills (which will become FAR easier when I get some roommates to split rent in the apartment), and will continue to make enough to pay off the debts and put some aside.

In a short matter of a couple of months I've basically doubled my monthly (and thus yearly) income, and that amount is still steadily growing. Financially, I'll be in great shape by next year once I work through the dental surgery, past medical bills, and credit card debt. And being someone who craves freedom and travel, that's really big news to me that goes way beyond the financial implications alone.

So the dental surgery is part of the news. The wisdom teeth were pulled in the spring, and now the damage they caused is getting fixed piece by piece. My two front teeth were cleaned, the infection treated, and fillings put in. They look fantastic, and especially after dealing with tooth decay for so long, it's amazing how that little detail brings up the entire self confidence. The other two really bad ones get repaired on Tuesday, and it won't surprise me at all if a jump in self confidence and just overall well being occurs after the fact. If nothing else, it will be nice to not have the stress of knowing I have to get dental work done somehow, some way, without any money to pay for it. This will pretty much cost the entire "best contract I've ever received" but at least it is done and out of the way.

The weight loss is plateauing where it generally always does, but very slowly bit by bit I'm getting closer to my goal, and even when the scale says my weight is the same (or even higher) the clothes keep fitting better and I keep having to buy in smaller sizes, so something is definitely working. Generally feel better and stronger, although some days are better than others. I can run again for the first time since the car accident at the end of 2005, so that was actually quite ridiculously exciting considering I never liked running - but I hate not being able to do something even more.

I walked to Barnes and Noble a few times the past few weeks, and finally decided after so many 16-20 hour work days in a row, I deserved to buy myself a little gift. So I finally spent $30 on the Newly Revised The 4 Hour Work Week by Timothy Ferriss. I bought the audio book version to listen to it on my laptop, and for those of you who read the original: YES, this is definitely worth the buy. I know the title sounds hypey (and he admits he doesn't like the title at all but marketing forced it) and not everything in the book applies to everyone, but this is a work that can change your life simply by learning to be ultra productive in less times, challenging pre-suppositions, and learning the truth about the sheer amount of options that people have. It also teaches a critical lesson about why you shouldn't mindlessly follow any conventional road to career, college, or success.

This was an excellent pick up, and it was necessary anyway since I somehow lost Disc 2 out of the original 6 disc set I had. The revised version is on 11 discs, to give you an idea of how much more is there. And to me, it's the best type of motivation. Not hyped up or pie in the sky or touchy feely, but filled with case after case after case of people who have learned to live the lives of their dreams by taking risks, using technology, and are enjoying all the benefits of that. They're the type of stories that inspire me. I lived that way for a while to a limited degree, but I want the whole pie and without the oppression of debt that I'm stuck with right now.

And even a few months ago that seemed really far away. Right now...it seems to be getting closer. Now the one issue with the mountain moving thing - I'm not a patient person. It is very easy for me to get frustrated. Why can't I be out of debt RIGHT NOW? Haven't I done enough work? Can I really do this for x more amount of time, etc and so on and so forth.

So even though I realize the corner has been turned financially, I still have to daily fight against the frustration or depression that comes from the bills that still have to be paid and the dental work that still has to be paid, and one more year of high rent before moving to a more reasonable place. Some days this is a complete non-issue, other times it's a sludge fest. But that's part of my nature. I like taking action, and the daily chipping away at a mountain doesn't satisfy the part of me that craves that decisive and bold advancement.

But I've already decided on taking one month off next year and going to visit Belize. Have wanted to for years, and I've noticed when I talk about wanting to do something, life often gets in the way. When I decide to do something, often times it happens. So I made the decision that next year it's going to happen, as is a long road trip covering all the states I haven't managed to visit yet, from Idaho to Massachusetts to Louisiana.

Also looking at buying my first house. That was definitely one of the unexpected developments of the past few weeks. It won't be done this year, but I'm looking at moving next year to a small Missouri town about 45 minutes from Kansas City. I have several of my best friends who live down there, and it's ridiculous how cheap it is to buy a good modern house there. It's ideal for what I want - a nice home base with good friends, a nice quiet area with plenty of outdoors options around, and a good place where I have friends who can keep an eye on it while I'm away for weeks or months at a time enjoying life and having adventures. It's more centrally located to a lot of places than I am now, and close enough I can still visit my sister reasonably often and also be reasonably close to family.

And with the way my businesses are growing and work is going, in theory by the end of next summer I might be able to save up as much as half for the down payment. Or if things keep really going well, then the whole thing.

So a lot's changed, even though I'm still in Cedar Rapids, still in the apartment, still hacking away and typing a way bit by bit, still working the ridiculously long days. Doesn't look any different, but a lot's changed and is changing, and determination was definitely the driving force behind it.

The Process Continues

So Where Am I Now?

Well it's definitely been a while since the last post, which was before the mid-point of June, but a lot has happened and as much as I was thinking of a goal of updating this blog twice a week throughout the year, when it's between this blog or keeping business momentum going, this blog or getting some emergency freelance work done (for $40-$50 an hour), or this blog and a nice weekend vacation up in beautiful northeast Iowa complete with trout fishing, card playing, and hiking the Effigy Mounds, well the blog comes in second.

But here I am, and there has been a lot that's happened, and the process continues for me. Some things are going extremely well, others slow and painful, but considering everything I've been through this year, it's actually beyond amazing that I'm doing as well as I've been doing. The mind over reality thing might seem on shaky ground, but actually considering how much is going right in the midst of how much is going terribly wrong, I actually think the conscious work on a mentality shift is very impressive, and I'd be curious to see how amazing it would be in a year that was relatively quiet of absolute disasters.

So how's fixing my life coming along? Eh, it's moving. Slower than I want in many ways, but my goals were probably overly ambitious and with everything that happened this year, there was just no way that everything was going to sail smoothly.

But I'm still losing weight, I'm getting into better shape once again, and the legs aren't great, but they're getting better. I can run for the first time in five years, since the car accident, which is actually really exciting. I've always hated running, but once it became a "you can't do it," you can imagine how well that went over with me. Right now I'm reveling in it...and trying not to dry heave right after, but it's been a while so I'm sure it'll take some more time.

The work has been going amazing. My passive income is growing at a steady and consistent double digit rate that has me extremely excited for where I could be by next year, and the freelancing has absolutely taken off. Basically, you can't hire me for less than $20 an hour anymore, and that's a minimum. Rush rates start at $40. It has taken several years of work to get to this point, but the freelancing income has exploded literally this year. Back in January I only made $1,500, and now I'm bordering on $55,000 a year, so you can do the math on how the averages have changed dramatically.

Virtually no chance of me ever working for someone else again, which is a really great feeling. There aren't a lot of people who control their own fate regardless of the economy, but I'm fortunate enough to be part of that group.

Saturday was a really good day. Ate at The Londoner, a fantastic local English pub with an amazing menu, saw an old friend who I haven't seen in many years, and had the single best dessert I've ever had in my life. Seriously, it was heaven. I'm still babbling about it days later and I've had very good desserts at very expensive restaurants, but their sizzling apple pie with butterscotch, caramel, and vanilla bean ice cream takes the cake. That was a definite plus.

On the negative side, I haven't gotten out nearly as much to socialize and test my comfort zone, in part because of working so much. That's the problem with having such diverse goals: many times it is one or the other. But I'm really excited about Truth Exposed Publishing, and I think it's going to end up being huge. Eventually multi-million dollar huge if we just keep at it, so that has been getting a lot of attention from me recently and will continue to do so and just see where that ends up taking us.

I'm putting together a collection of short fiction to send to several contests, and am spending a little more time back with my creative writing, because that's always been the passion and it's just something that I need to do. It's as important to me as eating, drinking, and breathing.

Done a little traveling, visited several new places, and hiked the Effigy Mounds. Hoping to take a short "work vacation" here in the next eight weeks, and I'll be getting all of my teeth fixed before finally paying off one of my credit cards completely. The passive income keeps growing, and I have a plan next month to really hammer away at that and make sure that the explosive growth continues, or even speeds up.

Other than that, a lot of goals I still need to work on, but there's no question I have solid traction, and that I'm at least moving in the right direction. Life is getting better, and in a week when one of my best friends moves across country to pursue his real life dreams, I get the big room in the apartment with incredible AC and an actual bed for the first time since I've been in grad school (May of 2007). And unlike my current room, that room stays cool and doesn't get humid, which means my work production will only get better.

I'm starting a strict eating regiment next month and beginning training because now that I can actually run, even if only for two minutes or a short sprint, I want to obliterate all the barriers by training to run a 5k, something I've never been able to do up to this point in my life. And then I'll have to work some more because I have the great problem that many of my shorts don't fit anymore even with a belt...they still fall off.

So that's the update for now. I'm sure I've missed a lot, but right now it's work, work, and more work and trying to dissect the rest of my time well in the meantime. Hope everything is going well for ya'll - and challenge yourself to one goal before the end of the year. Even small cahnges can add up to huge results.

Late May Update

Moving Beyond Devastation

So in theory this was going to be a short update on what's going on, my sister's situation, my overall situation, personal and business advances, "how I'm doing," etc. But it's 5:30 in the afternoon as opposed to 3 am, and despite knowing better after two days of struggling to get more than the most basic work done, and still needing to get a new blog post at my Master Dayton freelance writing blog, I still feel the need for a few hours of procrastination. I've worked enough 14-20 hour days that I think I've earned it. So this is going to be a LOONNNNGGGGG post about what's been going on, while still keeping many things intentionally brief or gray when the situation dictates it.

So the title seems apt because that's exactly what I'm faced with right now, and maybe I think too much but I think you gain potential to understand different facets of psychology really well when you're stuck in tons of psychological turmoil or struggle. Especially when you're self reflective to boot. So what do you do when you've decided to change your life by sheer mental force, to declare it's your year, and a good year, and then you hit absolute devastation in your personal life with a family member?

The psychological back and forth really can be overwhelming. It doesn't do any good to be miserable, but how horrible a human being am I to be happy when this is happening? How can this be a good year when my sister is going to prison for something she didn't do? How can you "just get on with life" when something that devastating has overwhelmed everything else going on? At what point is "being happy" fake surface for your true feelings? Is is better to feel angry or numb? If you go on and enjoy the good things, you feel guilty as sin. If you feel miserable, well you feel miserable and guilty for letting the situation destroy, you, too, and the damage that does to everyone else suffering, as well.

It's really the type of cycle that's designed to strike down everyone in its path, like a black hole that won't allow anything to escape.

It also just gets really tiring of saying "other than the obvious elephant in the room." As one great line from the movie Garden State put it: "Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the show?" By about the 20th time saying "All things considered, I'm doing okay," that answer just begins to piss you off, as well.

So to get the obvious out of the way, the trial was a farce, a well choreographed hanging in a very thinly veiled guise of a fair trial and my sister was convicted of a crime she didn't commit, and is going to prison. I'm not going to go into details beyond that, other than appeals are already under way, and even a couple of professors and a class of criminologists following the trial don't understand how the State had enough to charge her with anything, much less get the worst case scenario conviction. But in the meantime, we have to move on.

I work to write my sister weekly, visit when I can, although that will change when she's transferred from jail to prison, and I'm absolutely blown away and inspired by how she's dealt with her anger at the injustice, came to terms with what the situation was, and decided to focus on her faith, on what she could control, and looking ahead to getting an education and keeping hope for the appeals. She handled the situation better than the rest of the family, I think, and is already looking ahead to what she can do to better her life, even in a terrible situation. I can't say enough how proud of her I am. I would hope I'd get to that mindset if I was going to prison wrongfully, but I'm pretty sure I'd spend weeks or even months being angry at everyone and everything and have a breakdown first. She had her one bad night in solitary, and then moved on. This is amazing to me.

But as hard as it is, the advice about having to move on and enjoy life and live life is completely true. Nothing good comes out of letting this situation destroy all of us. My sister and seeing how she's handled everything has really inspired me, and reminded me that the best I can do for her is to be successful and to live the life I want to live. She's also reminded me that the best way to deal with the deep rage that our family gets from seeing injustice of any kind isn't to blow up, and it isn't to ignore it or squash it, but to hone the massive energy that comes with righteous anger and use that as determination and drive to accomplish greatness.

And as Forrest Gump said: "That's all I got to say about that." At least for now.

I think one of the most important psychological aspects for healing and for moving on is understanding that "moving on" does not mean leaving behind, forgetting, or accepting injustice. It doesn't mean shunning anyone away, it simply means picking yourself up, and as hard as it is, to keep pushing on because that's the best I can do for myself, and for everyone who cares about me, as well. The actual emotional feeling of this process to me feels like the first time after September 11, 2001, when they put the flag from half mast back to the top. That first day it felt weird and strange and utterly wrong - but it had to be done. The emotional feeling I had then is very similar if not exact to the emotion I have now with everything going on.

So to keep moving on:

Work: My freelance work is going extremely well. In fact it's the best that it's ever been and this will mark the first month where I will make more freelance writing in one month than I did at my previous dream job in Austin, Texas. And that's a trend that should continue with every month for the rest of the year. In fact, on the freelance side of things there are many sites I used to work for that I don't write for at all anymore, and my minimum writing rates have gone up again. As far as the freelancing goes, 2010 is looking really damn good.

Then there's also the passive writing income to talk about. That's going extremely well for me. Moving beyond HubPages, Xomba, InfoBarrel, eHow, and Squidoo where most of my passive income generally came from, I'm really beginning to figure out how the niche website set up, and the AdSense and Amazon monthly earnings have not only doubled for me in the past few months, but they are consistently hitting those numbers so I'm definitely happy with that progress.

The major projects I'm passionate about with Truth Exposed Publishing, LLC are coming along slower than I would like, but there's no reason the big launch won't happen by the middle of June and we have a lot of small projects to follow. We also officially hit our first $100 in profit, so that was worth one round of Jamison Whiskey to celebrate. As I said in the toast, $100 down, the first of $100 million to come.

We also had our first hater comment along the lines of "anyone saying college is a bad idea for anyone is an idiot" comment. So that was cool to get a reaction. We figure half of our marketing for the coaching and products we're hoping is coming from outraged people who make a lot of noise and bring a lot of attention. Because our research and services are rock solid and attention is attention, especially in the beginning.

Well one of the side effects of the trial was crashing and burning as far as not being on a diet at all and not working out at all. For about 4 weeks, literally. The damage was pretty brutal, but after getting back on the wagon on the 5th, I've already lost over 7 lbs in 10 days, so the body's taking back to the exercise well...although my legs have definitely lost some endurance. I'm consistently hitting everything again, and the results are already showing so at this rate I'll be back to where I was in early April by the end of next week, and then it'll be all about hammering through those annoying two plateaus that have stopped me cold the last 4 years.

One habit I've started that I definitely appreciate more now is always keeping a fiction or non fiction book in the bathroom. Since doing this I've finished 3 books in the past month based on bathroom reading alone. The last two books I've read were: Cold Beer and Crocodiles, A Bicycle Journey into Australia by Roff Smith, and also the classic travel novel A Walk Across America by Peter Jenkins. I would recommend both reads, and while I found the Smith book a bit more interesting, in part because Australia seems exotic to me, it's really interesting reading about America during the time that Jenkins began his walk in the 1970s and the great way he has of reporting and diving into his travels without apology to what others may think. It's a very honest accounting, IMO. Currently I'm reading The Forgotten Legion by Ben Kane, and although you have to give him 30 to 40 pages to really get into the story, it is very much worth the investment.

As far as non-fiction reading, beyond Writer's Digest there hasn't been too much since I finished the "History of Cannibalism." Still need to find something to fill that void, as the copy writing books are more to be studied than read. If anyone has a recommendation, feel free to live it in the comments.

Also on the intellectual level, anyone who views themselves as a Polymath, Intellectual, or Renaissance Man or Woman, go to YouTube and look up TED Director. These are some incredible lectures that vary from aging to happiness to evolution to human habit and psychology, creativity in education, and everything in between. I've listened to hours of these lectures and am strongly enriched because of it. Some of these seem strongly appropriate to my situation, while others have just been stunning in general. So I'll leave this very short (believe me, I really truncated this one) and finish with two videos from the TED project, and one joke that is my personal favorite.



And also:



So I hope you find those as entertaining, useful, or intriguing as I have. The happiness study jumped out at me immediately, while admittedly, it turns out I vastly underestimated Tony Robbins and what he does and what he studies can go way beyond "self help."

So my favorite joke: Two cannibals were sitting down eating a clown, one turns to the other and asks, "Does anything taste funny to you?"

Short Term Goal Update & Food For Thought

What a Couple of Weeks

I have to admit, this blog is starting to get a wee bit frustrating so far as I have several topics I'd really like to dig into in depth such as:

• Nature vs Nurture, and if enough negative reinforcement early in life can become strong enough in habit to become like nature
• What I've come to realize in how my time in, and away, from Alaska have worked as an allegory or metaphor for what I've realized is one of my biggest problems that's hampered me in being able to live life
• Having a happy life or happy times versus being happy with yourself (because I know from experience what it can be like to have 2 years of fun, living life well, but still be incredibly unhappy or dissatisfied with yourself on the inside - it's not a contradiction)
• The list of 100+ goals for the year aimed at improving my life and myself. Probably should get those up before the year is half way over :)
• A long detailed study on habit. Really, there's a ridiculous amount of interesting things to explore there when you think about it.

In fact, I was hoping to tackle 2 of these this week, but there were some huge obstacles completely beyond my control that have really shot up the plans and goals. For one, I wasn't planning on being severely sick for a weekend between the time I set all my goals and the time the deadline arrived. It doesn't matter how quickly you recover or "shake it off," you're just not at 100% after a stomach virus that drops 9 lbs off of you in one day. It took days to shake off all the lethargy from that one.

Problem 2: Mediacom cable. 99% reliable my (anatomical posterior). I work online. All my finances are based directly from having Internet and being able to work. The Internet was down for 6.5 hours one day, and it was a day I was fired up, "feeling it," and all set to make up for a bad day and still smash it all out. Then when the Internet finally came back up that night, 6 hours later it went out for another 7 hours - during many of the hours that are often my most productive of the entire day.

It's not just hours loss, but it's also falling behind versus being ahead. I think the mind set you have between those two situations, not to mention the freedom of options that disappear when you're behind, represent far more than actual numbers. But for numbers sake, at a minimum those two outages cost me $150, and probably closer to twice that.

So I set a lot of goals for March 9th as a short term exercise, and in all honesty I failed to meet most of them. But I don't feel bad about that because several of them I did make, and I'm at least working on the others. So the quick recap and run down:

• "Floating Debts," are all paid off other than Mike, which is good since there was another $150 that cropped up that I had forgotten about. Mike also has a check on the way, so progress is moving well there.
• Lowest balance credit card. It's not paid off, but see the Internet being down. Right now I have to make sure I have enough to cover the gauntlet of bills that come up in the middle of every month. But, there is plenty of income I've earned on its way, but I have to wait for PayPal and my bank to process it. Then the credit card will be paid off. So I call this tardy, but a victory.
• Gym: Nope. Done some body weight exercises at home, and still dedicated to losing weight, but haven't been able to make it back consistently. See "sickness" and there were other factors beyond my control.
• Start 20 conversations with strangers. In retrospect this was a little too ambitious, and the downed Internet time resulted in me working at times I was planning to go socialize. I did make it to 6, though, and met our new neighbors down the hall.
• Still working on the 2 chapters for my sister.
• I have wrote all 4 letters, now need to send them off tomorrow, so that's close enough, right?
• I crunched the numbers, and even with the Internet down, I did write more articles in those 2 weeks than the 6 before them. Made it by one.
• Picking up the plastic bins tomorrow.
• Daily personal time is a resounding success. It's been very nice.
• Haven't finished 2 new books, but I've started one new one and am over half way through.

So like I said, not a staggering success, but I'm feeling pretty good about the flow of things. There's no question I feel more like myself than I have in years, and hanging out with my buddy Dan today for several hours was a blast. That's the kind of time hanging out with a friend that's good for a soul.

I've already noticed several friends from earlier parts of my life have tracked me down and whether through e-mail or Facebook or whatever have become part of my life again, and for that I thank God and them. I appreciate every one of you, and it's good to have ya'll around again - even in cyber form (or "imaginary" as Mike likes to call it).

In other news, may have made our first sale for "Truth Exposed Publishing" - the company my brother and I started, even before the first product is finished and ready for launch. You have to feel pretty darn good when you're getting that level of support from the people around you.

The insane writing goals for March continue. I have to say, those 2 Internet outages probably finished off any chance of hitting all (or even most) of the goals, but when faced with the choice of tossing it all in the wind or continuing head on against impossible odds anyway, I chose the latter.

Like I've said before, it feels really good to be back.

So when the end of the month is here, I'll update those results on my freelance writing blog, as well as this one. I'm really happy to find that even stating the year in complete burn out, dealing with deep emotional and personal issues, and deciding to throw all the messes in my life out into the open at once, I'm finding the energy, the strength, and the faith to really make it work. The past couple years I think I would have folded, instead, but this time it's different. I hate using cliches, but it really is one of those "I'm turning a corner," situations.

So while I have to go catch up on some more freelance work, I will be getting back to update this blog soon. Thanks to everyone reading, and I'll make my goal to get the list up by the 15th. One more thing, a teaser for next time.

I'm going to argue in a future blog post how Sinbad's comeback comedy special gives wisdom that could directly help I'm guessing well over 50% of guys with some of the hardest questions they ever had to wrestle with. That's right: Sinbad can help solve the question of "how to be a man." So that's the teaser.

Hope everyone is doing well. Thanks for stopping by!

Minor Set Back

Guess I Was Due for the Flu

Well my guess is pretty strong that I won't be making most of the short term goals I set for myself in my last blog post on fixing my life, in large part because I wasn't planning on getting a severe stomach flu, straining all the muscles in my back, and having to go back to an all liquid diet while struggling to sleep 12 hours a day. But these things happen. I only tend to get sick once every couple of years or less, so in that respect I am lucky and this flu bug did only last 24 hours, although the pulled back muscles and some other side effects I still need to deal with.

So that set me back about three days. On the plus side, if there is a silver lining, I dropped 9 lbs, and I'm still 5 down after re-hydrating, so hey, that's something I guess. Didn't really have much in the way of life improvement beyond that, as the illness was brief, but it hammered me. Couldn't read, work, do much of anything at all.

So the next few days will be healing, getting some work done, and hoping the back muscles heal enough so i can get back into the gym. On the plus side, I did finish two books this past week, which definitely falls in line with my goal of wanting to read more again. The first was The Unthinkable by Amanda Ripley, which is absolutely fantastic. In fact, there will be more on this in later posts, maybe even a book review of sorts, but since I have so much to catch up on, that will have to wait (as will more blog posts on here) until I'm a little bit more caught up. The basic gist of the book is about studying disasters, panic, and human response to both. It is an extremely interesting work of non-fiction, and very easy to read while dealing with both the science, as well as applying that to real life disasters.

The other is The Modern History of Cannibalism. I don't think that really needs any more description.

Anyhow, healing and on the mend. My personal freelancing and online work is starting to pick up and show some really positive signs, as is the business my brother and I have started. So hopefully our health holds up and we can keep hammering along. Next post will probably be more substantive, but sometimes the most you can do is just heal and keep on going.

Hope everyone else finds themselves in good health. Cheers!

Do Not Be Afraid

Apparently This Is a Centuries Old Problem

This is one of those posts where I'm going to give two fair warnings, although I don't really think neither is probably necessary. A big chunk of this post is somewhat spiritual in nature, so if that's not your cup of tea you might want to skip to another one. Otherwise, here goes. I found out something really interesting today (well technically yesterday since it's 2:34 a.m. - taking a break from work and listening to "Masters of Chant"). The most common command in the Bible has absolutely nothing to do with rules, laws, money, sexual orientation, or even moral teaching as most religions would frame it. The single most common command in Christian scriptures (and it's not even close) is this:

Do not be afraid.

I find that one fact incredibly fascinating, especially since it's been 10 years since my conversion and I'm 99% sure that not once have I heard this fact or heard this in a sermon. I'm allowing the 1% because 10 years is a bloody long time, especially the way I manage to pack things in there. Plus a couple serious head injuries, and you're never quite completely sure again, but I digress...

The immediate reaction of some people I tried to discuss this with was to instantly tie it to faith, and I've often heard the maxim "faith is the opposite of fear," and maybe in a few of the Scriptures this is the context, but I know in many of them that's not the context. Many times these words appear in Biblical stories where God shows up and the person/shepherd/prophet soils themselves from being scared crapless. Then comes the command to not be afraid, and this command is often the very first thing said, even before identification.

This is really interesting to me. How often this command is stated depends on your interpretation. If you're going by exact phrase, about 46 times, but the similar "do not fear" pops up at least another 67 times. Both these numbers are estimates due to differing translations, but if you include other times where not being afraid or being told not to fear is mentioned, the number pops up to around 360 total, and that's based on the Protestant Bible. The Catholic Bible may have more, but I'm not versed enough to know for sure.

Do not fear.

It's a clear cut order, and one that often stands alone in context so it means that and only that. Don't be afraid, don't fear. It really bothers me how often that is brushed over and extrapolated from, because the deep meaning of that, the reflection on the human condition since the beginning of time, is profound and amazing and no one seems to talk about it.

Apparently I'm not the only one who has struggled with falling back to habits of fear and anxiety, it's a century old problem for mankind in general. I wonder how many people desperately needing something when the wander in on a Sunday morning would begin to find their answer in those simple 3 or 4 words.

Regardless of what you do or don't believe, I think the fact that those words are commanded by far and away more than any other in the Bible opens up an intensely interesting discussion on fear, on anxiety, on what that reflection on the human condition and human nature means.

So I've spent a lot of time mulling over that today. In a way it's a far cry from one of my favorite philosophers, Seneca (of the Romans), but in another way the two can definitely be related. There's no way I can properly explain succinctly how cool I find Seneca's philosophy. It's a form of Stoicism, and although I could see a thousand angry comments from this, since I don't have 20 pages to explain it, I'll use the analogy that Vulcans from "Star Trek" would actually very much be a Stoic-esque society.

But many of the quotes of Seneca that speak to me are about understanding that the fear of misfortune undoubtedly will always be worse than the misfortune itself. Basically, a person willing to use logic, look forward, and continue the pursuit of self improvement would never suffer as badly from misfortune as their fear would suggest.

I really dig this, and agree with it. This is one of those things where understanding it in your mind and translating that to your instincts and habits can be two different things, but really, this truth is part of the reason that fear and doubt can be so insidious.

I've been homeless more than once. Now I was fortunate from the standpoint that there were safety nets in place for me of a sort all but one time, and that one time I still had a p.o.s. laptop so I knew I could eventually work my way back as long as no one stole it. But the point is, how many people worrying about money now are in actual danger of being homeless? As in $0, nowhere to sleep, no way to get to people who would help you out, no direction, owning what you have on you and that's it?

Bouncing back is never easy, but it is possible, and you know what? It really isn't that hard to scrape together $5 to eat at Taco Bell if you have to. When you have to find a warm place to sleep, you'll be amazed at what you find when your mind is completely focused on that one task. There's so much fear, but once I was there at the worst of my fears, I still ate, I still found places to sleep, and with a little work and a little luck (and the two of those almost always go hand in hand) things picked back up.

And reflecting on it, things were NEVER as bad as I feared they would be, even when they were at their worst. Funny thing: the prospect of being homeless doesn't scare me one bit. I've been there, done that, and gotten through. If somehow it happens again (and I don't think it ever will now, but once again, life is strange so who knows), what of it? The reality for me wasn't as bad as the fear.

Now part of the trick to fixing my life is reinforcing that in other areas of my life. Don't be afraid. Be not afraid. Well, it's easier said than done, but it's something I need to challenge head on. That's it for this post, although I'll end with a few of my favorite quotes attributed to Seneca, and one from Michael Jordan. It should be pretty obvious who said what.

"Sometimes even to live is a great act of courage."
"He who is brave is free."
"The bravest sight in the world is to see a great man struggling against adversity."
"Courage leads to heaven, fear to death."
"True happiness is...to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence on the future."

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." MJ

Self Improvement: Little Victories Matter

Changing Life Daily

My first blog post on taking responsibility and fixing my life went over pretty well. Did receive a couple of concerned phone calls, which is very touching, but these problems were years in the making - not a sudden outburst. If anything, overall I'm actually feeling really good about 2010 to this point and about the strides I'm beginning to make in getting to where I want to be. Monday was a very good day, and while the blog post I'm going to write sharing my large list of approximately 120 goals for 2010 will have to wait for a few days based on schedule, time constraints, etc. I did want to share a little bit about today and a small amount about what has happened already, what the short term goals are, etc.

Well Friday was pretty good, too. I told my brother that one of the most frustrating aspects of being where I am now in life is falling back to the old fears and anxieties that come up every time I think about talking to someone I don't know, approaching random people to chat, and especially so with females. This goes back to issues from my youth, in which I was painfully shy up until, well about half way through age 19. This fear and anxiety frustrates me the most, because it's not like I don't know that all the senseless fears about socializing are just that - I've been a very outgoing extrovert and also know how well people respond to a genuine extrovert. So how am I back to this point?

Well Friday I had to walk through a lot of piled up snow to get to Barnes and Noble and buy some books on how to use Microsoft Power Point 2007 for a freelance writing contract I have now. Once in the store, I decided to take an hour off from life and just enjoy myself. It was warm, I had gotten one heck of a workout just to get to the store, and there were some books I wanted to skim, including the revised version of Timothy Ferriss's The 4 Hour Work Week, which I'm a huge fan of. So I found a copy, read through a lot of the new material, and decided to force myself to work through the fear of talking to random strangers by refusing to leave until I struck up a conversation with three people.

After putting the book back, the first person I ran into was a very pretty young lady about my age whose name turns out is Christy, and she was looking at one of my favorite books. Perfect. I didn't even need to come up with an ice breaker beyond "hello," and Christy was actually really nice, we ended up chatting for about 20 minutes. This should be something simple to do, and at one time in my life it was, but now for where I am and for overcoming old fears, it was a really perfect set up. Admittedly, I didn't talk to two other people, but I figured 20 minutes was plenty, and that was a great way to end on a high note. Another small step to returning to the person I want to be.

Once in a while, taking a step to change your life actually turns out to be nice and easy. Today I worked. A lot. Friday was the first day I felt normal since the massive dental surgery, and my production has been fantastic since then. With the 3 month fever gone from the infected wisdom teeth, I also feel a lot less miserable and a lot more like myself. But to Monday. Gabe got great news that he was accepted into college. It's not either of his top 2 choices, but now he knows no matter how the rest pans out, he'll be able to continue on to achieving his life long dream of going to and graduating from college. He has his safety net. I took 4 hours off work in the afternoon to hang with my brother and one of my best friends, and that night we celebrated by going to IHOP (one of Gabe's favorite places).

And personally, it was a great night for me and an example of how self improvement comes with a lot of little victories that even the people around you might not begin to realize are happening. Going with the self confidence, the socializing comfortably, and the getting over the instinctual fear of talking to the opposite sex (and once again I can not stress how much this old anxiety really ticks me off and even embarrasses me). Eating out with my friends felt like it used to. I had no physical anxiety at all, cracked jokes half way across the room with the waiter, and kept throwing out jokes and jests until the pretty waitress was cracking up. Eye contact, smiling, laughing, and I felt relaxed. I finally felt relaxed!

Some of the old fears and anxieties had gotten so bad over the past year I actually had some panic attacks in crowded public places, which even at my most nervous/least self confident had NEVER happened before until the past year. So being relaxed and happy and joking wasn't a small victory for me by any stretch, even if I'm re-claiming ground within myself I had owned years ago.

Changing my life to get to where I want to be means making daily life changes. One thing that encourages me is that humans are (science even says) habitual creatures. This is why things seem to come "naturally" for some people while for whatever reason it's next to impossible for someone else. If I work daily on a conscious level to overcome fear, doubt, frustration, and anxiety then eventually the positive opposite of those like confidence, self esteem, faith, and happiness will become habits, and then become subconscious habits. In the same way a long spiral can turn your mind and body against you, the same concept can be used to your advantage to turn things around.

I know from experience how much my entire attitude or emotional make up can change simply by making a daily conscious decision to look at the silver lining, regardless of circumstance. Self improvement is like personal growth: it has to be a conscious choice, especially once you've fallen off the path for quite some time.

There have been some good things going on in other areas, too. I have landed some major freelance writing contracts, and am in great shape for the next 2 or possibly even 3 months. In fact, there's a chance that from March to May I'll make nearly 70% of what I did all of 2009 combined. I've also paid of some of my short term "floating debts." I use this term to refer to non monthly debts that I had for short term reasons. I reimbursed my brother for groceries for when I was really suffering with the wisdom teeth recovery, as well as for the medications. I re-paid Gabe who loaned me an emergency $60 at the beginning of the month when a student loan company screwed with my checking account right before rent was due. Half of my wisdom tooth surgery is paid for, with the other half on monthly payment plans, and the gym membership is covered for another month. Not bad.

Oh yeah, Truth Exposed Publishing, LLC is about 2 months ahead of schedule, and Jon and I are watching the passive income increase something like 200-300% a week. The pure numbers still aren't much, but based on how AdSense, search engine rankings and indexing, and other online stuff generally works, we're way ahead of schedule and it's really a great sign for later this year when enough time has passed to see the full effect of our early work this year.

My own passive income is growing about 20% this month above normal, which definitely adds to the confidence in my ability, but even better is I had one of those "A-HA!" moments that really changes the game. Enough so that by my 30th Birthday this year I'm hoping to be at the point where I don't have to freelance write at all any more if I don't want to because my passive income will be enough to pay all the bills and then some. In January that was a dream. Now it looks like a very achievable goal.

Speaking of which, some very short term goals for the next 2 weeks for me, so things I want to do or want done by March 9th:

• Pay off all "floating debts." Right now, that would be a $75 donation promised to Coe, about $150 I owe lawyers for drawing up the LLC papers, and the hardest of all, $600 I still owe Mike from when he basically made sure I got to Austin to take advantage of the opportunity of a lifetime, something I still greatly indebted to him for.
• Pay off my lowest balance credit card. That one would be at $350 right now.
• After spending this week getting back up to speed in the gym, I want to bike a marathon distance a day, so 26.2 miles a day on the exercise bike, 5-6 days a week (it varies how often we make it to the gym). And yes, I did get this idea from The Biggest Loser. While workouts have gone extremely well, I need some big time goals to really push me, and that one certainly counts. Especially since I bike the steep hills program on the exercise bikes.
  
• Start 20 conversations with strangers I meet while out and about...which will force me to also go get out and about.
• Write 2 chapters of a book for my sister.
• Send 4 letters (old fashioned, snail mail) to various friends and family, especially thanking them for the good they've done for me in my life.
• Write more freelance articles in these next 2 weeks than I did in the first 6 weeks of the year combined. This might actually be necessary to make the financial goals mentioned earlier.
  
• Get some plastic bins to act as dressers. I'm really tired of living out of suitcases.
• Take some personal time for myself daily.
• Read 2 books I haven't read yet, or started reading yet.

There are others, as many of my goals are long term but require daily or weekly work, but this is a pretty ambitious list as it is. I had no illusions. Even though I've been to the "promised land" before, I know that fixing my life, much less changing my life, is not going to be an overnight thing, and it's not going to be easy.

But I feel good. Recently I've been joking a lot more, smiling and laughing like I used to. The confidence is beginning to ebb back, and I'm finding it easier and easier to concentrate on the silver lining again. Some of the fire is back, and the fight in me is definitely back. Not sure that part ever left, but it might have been getting stomped down on the ground for a couple years. At least it's standing again.

Sometimes self improvement is great, and sometimes the process sucks, but my goals are clearly set, and I'm not afraid of a lot of 18 hour days to get there. Thanks for the kind words and the support everyone, and I hope ya'll are having a good night and peaceful dreams.